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How to adopt a child

Here is about the monologue, full of despair, I heard recently from my client: outwardly cute, very intelligent woman, a teacher with thirty years of experience. She came to me for legal help with a question about how to opt out of adoption. Now, listen:

«We both husband and I are teachers. We never had any children. And someone advised us to adopt a child. And we decided to find a child in an orphanage and become foster parents.

Then, 18 years ago, going to a children’s group home, I saw Sasha (the girl’s name I understandably changed). My soul just reached for this three year old little girl, and I completely forgot what I was recommended to look at someone else. Sasha also felt something for his childlike heart. The first day we met she said to all the children in the group that came to her mother and soon she will completely take back.

Its the first word that I heard from her, it ’timocka” which meant “bird”. She said when we walked with her in the Park on weekends, when I took her from the orphanage. I often thought of her before my husband and I adopted her.

System-vector psychology Yuri Burlan – how to find a child in an orphanage

Growing up in our family, she quickly forgot his orphan past, went to a regular kindergarten, then to school, then graduated from the Lyceum.

Now she is very independent, working on distribution in other city, not far from us. However, she has some kind of children’s perception of life. Although we got to her apartment, she still pulls to our home. And of course we as parents would be happy to live together, if not there was a mass of insoluble contradictions.

Sasha was having a complete lack of understanding. She doesn’t like to listen to our father and councils, and not accept control. Periodic care from home has become a familiar reaction to my husband and our comments. Any inhibitions she overcomes so unexpected, unusual that all are amazed at her resourcefulness. It seems that her independence – the super value and an end in itself. In the yard she ’ s Tomboy-turned him on. Even the boys obey her.

Yes, a few days ago, from a neighbor of the woman who “everybody knows”, Sasha learned about his orphan past. And immediately told me about it. I certainly was not ready for this conversation. And just tried to laugh it off, saying that much of what she knows. In return, however, keenly felt the distrust and alienation.

Some days I did not dare to open our daughter’s secret. Remembered all his life before and after Sasha. Yes, time flies quickly.

And now, I go to her room. Sitting on the couch, the daughter listens to music. I could not help admiring her. Thick brown hair waves fall on the shoulders. Green shiny eyes, the smile never leaving her face. Not a drop of makeup. Her natural beauty needs no makeup. It is, as always, your favorite jeans and t shirt. Skirts and dresses she couldn’t accept.

– Sasha, let’s talk.

– Mom, you’re going to be lectures?

She shrugs and turns the music louder. The conversation did not take place.

to adopt a child

I’m stumped. After all, my husband and master, read tons of psychological literature, addressed to psychologists. And still I can’t find a way to Sasha. She became quite unmanageable. Where to find an effective course of practical psychology. How do we live?”

Having 30 years of teaching experience, the woman didn’t know what to do with her own foster child.

On the basis of knowledge of the system-Vector psychology, it was clear to me what’s going on inside this family.

The girl, the mother, has a urethral vector. Such children are, by nature, are born with a keen sense of justice, completely devoid of selfishness, ambition, remarkable thinking, become independent sooner.

However, they do not accept strict control and pressure, they essentially have no feeling any restrictions. Indeed, such children may run away from home, and ourselves outside of the home, creating the backyard gang, where they ’s young leaders” among their peers.

Often led by such a leader, adolescents tend to commit a group of disorderly conduct. By the way, my visitor shared and, through the experience of the invitation to the police, where her daughter was arrested with her friends.

What can be said about adoptive parents?

Mother – a skin, eye, sophisticated woman. Her husband – an anal-visual, calm, intelligent person. When faced with disobedience and contempt of the daughter, because of the properties of his character. they could not understand the motivations of the daughter, therefore, were simply shocked by who they brought up. Because in their view the girl should not behave this way.

The failed adoption in this family, “superimposed” on the problem of a wrong approach to raising her daughter, which further exacerbated the problem. When I told the woman that her chosen method of adoption was wrong, she completely agreed with me.

The approach to adoption should not be based on the principle of selection of the child by external parameters, that is, did I enjoy this baby, and he did not like.

How all the same correctly to adopt a child?

Note that we are not talking about children of close or distant relatives, without parental care, which necessarily must remain living with their relatives, if conditions allow. My advice would be on how to adopt a stranger’s child.

The only correct approach to adopt in this case is to become a foster parent is physically ill child, without parental care.

In this case, you will understand that this child will not be able to give You in return. It is constantly to need You. And then the decision to adopt will be made not on the basis of selfishness.

For this we need to have really a lot of love, devotion, and courage. But only under these conditions You are doing good selflessly, not for the sake of gratitude or of any benefit in response, changing for the better, reducing the number of accidents disadvantaged children, and, respectively. reduce the amount of voids and suffering in society.

how to adopt a child

Typically, foster parents are expected from the adopted child of gratitude in response to their strength and effort invested in his upbringing, training, development. However, for some strange reason, gradually confronted with the fact that the tenderness of the children’s kindness. in later years, replaced by hatred of their adoptive parents.

One of my first law Affairs was proof of that. As a result of years of enmity adult daughter with his foster parents, the foster father who was over seventy years old, was severely wounded daughter and killed her husband.

It has been more than 15 years, but I have still a vivid picture in my head of how in his office for interrogation detention facility we sit with the old man after the verdict. And he with tears in his eyes, remembers the day when he with his wife brought another girl-the babe lying in a basket. He wished to turn back time, but alas…

Where does the hatred of the child to the foster parents?

The hatred of the adopted child to her adoptive parents occurs because of feelings of shame arising from the fact that they were svideteljami his trouble before adoption. Adoptive parents on the fact of his existence to generate it this shame, which he wished not to remember, because of which there forever remains the inferiority of the little man.

That is why the adult child no longer needs care, with all your mind understands that I should be grateful to their adoptive parents for everything, in the end, feels hatred towards those who revives in him the shame of his flawed past.

Therefore, foster parents should not blame themselves for being too loyal to the child and not to blame the child for “ingratitude”.

And, if You don’t want to experience a sudden feeling of hatred from the adopted child, not want to buy a domestic enemy in the family, adopt or ozocerite someone else’s child with the intent “for you” to someone under the age You gave a Cup of water and “for the sake of the child”.

Returning to the conversation with my client, I invited her to a training on the system-Vector psychology Yuri Burlan. I hope that she and her husband will reconsider their attitude towards Sasha, and come to a reasonable compromise.