How to raise a child and give love without conditions?
Most of us parents are usually deep down believe that, despite all the errors committed against our children, they will grow up to be good people simply because we truly love them.
This thought soothes and comforts us — we have invented for ourselves a concept and called it “Parental Love”, considering that this is enough. More or less, with achievements and rewards or shouting and punishment — most importantly to Love. Love? Know in fact that love? So everything is OK…
But if it is here lies the main error?
Psychoanalyst Alice Miller once remarked that, — “it’s possible to sincerely and deeply love child – but not the love that he needs” And if it is true — and I think, correct to speak not about, “do we love our children” – and not even about “how we love” HOW we love them.
And when we allow the idea that it is — immediately comes the understanding that love of something can be quite different.
And the most common type of love — the love is due to the behavior of the child — that is, children love “deserve” — by behaving in the way we believe is right or matching our standards. The second type of love is not dependent on how children behave, how they are successful, or talented, or obedient.
And us parents are constantly drawn to set conditions of approval — this is the structure of our society raised us.
We can say we have been conditioned to be conditional.
Think about it — how can we even conceive of love without obligation — after all, everything in our life is due. Most often, the marriage is based on the exchange of “you — me, I — you,” our parents expect us to “correct” life, and the society blames for dissent.
And, a long time studying the idea of Unconditional Parenting, I was trying to figure out how to link with education. After all, many parents are now having access to an array of information on the Internet and to various methods, I decided that unconditional love — the connivance and lack of education — you just need to love and succeed.
Three years baby of this approach mothers begin to take nerves of his behavior, and in five years, parents begin to look for options — how to fix the attitude of a son or daughter — disrespectful and consumer, not realizing that just love — nice, but not enough. And what you need to understand what a child needs love.
It is on this basis built my course “Education of the child’s self from 1 to 6 years” — a combination of Unconditional Parenting and upbringing of Respect, Responsibility and Independence, which will start very soon!
And how this is combined with unconditional acceptance, you ask?
Now I will share with you one vivid example, which happens in almost every family with two children..
Imagine a little girl of 4 years, let’s call her Alice, which was recently born brother. Within a short time after this joyous event it begins a “crisis” — opposition to the request, the screaming, the tantrums, unreasonable and illogical demands. Every ordinary day turns into a battle of parents and daughters — who will win.
And here one of the evenings. Little brother is already asleep, but my oldest will have a classical evening with a bedtime story. And then because of some minor reasons start screaming-screams — and to stop is almost impossible. Wakes up brother, crying. Mom with a toddler. Daughter increases a tantrum.
And then after about half an hour the conflict more or less settled, the brother laid to sleep. Which begs the question — what to do with my daughter?
To punish and send to bed without a story?
The traditional approach is definitely — Yes, no tales. Otherwise we encourage inappropriate behavior. Most of the advice on the forums will sound in the style of — “is strictly to tell that tale will not, because her behavior was “bad”, “wrong” etc.
Looks like all is true — we make the rules, we “educate respect”, we show what behavior is “correct” and… which causes our love.
The same approach of “unconditional parent” brand of protivopozhar — on the contrary it is worth to spend the evening as usual, after reading the story and plenty of giving the child his arms and profess his love.
But! How not to fall into permissiveness? How not to “prescribe” this attitude for the future that my daughter should be allowed to do anything?
It is very important after an evening of books and hugs to speak with Alice about what had happened, to think together about the reasons that prompt is to discuss the child’s feelings and to draw conclusions about how to behave in such cases in the future — calmly and clearly.
All that we want to convey all rules and conditions of conduct kicks in only TOD, when my daughter will know that our parental love is not diminished by how it behaves. But her behavior — Yes, don’t like.
My approach to child rearing is that you need to always consider the feelings of the child, not his behavior.
Behavior — it’s just a signaling system, through which we can understand that something is wrong.
A child misbehaves most often for the reason that it covers the fears, the cause of which he because of their age could not identify or anxiety, to Express who cannot do it differently.
How to educate the child in terms of unconditional love and acceptance and not to allow apathy and complacency?
This is the approach — Unconditional Parenting and mutual respect in the family to each other — we learn on my copyright training “Education of the child’s self from 1 to 6 years.”
Our unconditional love — the purest and the most precious gift we can give to the child. And excluding the permissiveness and complicity — we get a harmonious and independent personality, able to love and respect other people, starting with yourself.
What do you think about the idea of Unconditional parenting? How close is she to you?