Parents and children. The struggle for power.
All parents encounter situations when neither confrontation, nor to changes in the environment do not affect the behavior of their child; the child continues to do what is not convenient for parents. Parents have the feeling that they raise a little mess, especially as relatives and neighbours do not miss a chance to declare that their child gets the education that he is too spoiled and such arrogance and selfishness to anything good will not. Parents always most afraid not to be good in the role of caregivers, who has raised a child to be a real man! This is the main parent complex, which encourages them to go to extremes, just not to lose the reputation of a good parent.
First, we note the main disturbing element. Parents believe that in a happy family should not be conflict, and therefore, if there is one — this is an unfavorable sign. Hence the keen desire to quickly suppress the revolt by violent means, that all was covered over. The reality is otherwise.
What is the conflict?
The conflict between parents and children is not only inevitable in families, but it is okay. Conflict characteristic of any relationship. I would say more, conflict is the moment of truth in the relationship — it is a test of the health of these relationships, it is a crisis that could weaken or strengthen them, is a critical event that may cause long-term resentment, latent hostility, psychological “scars”. Conflicts can alienate people from each other or to draw them into closer and more intimate Union; they contain the seeds of destruction and seed of a great Union: they can lead to armed struggle or to a deeper mutual understanding.
Only a few parents admit the fact that conflicts are part of life and not always necessarily a bad part. Most parents consider the conflict as something that should be avoided at any cost, be it the conflict between themselves or between parents and children. Most parents can not stand to be in conflict, they are deeply worried when it happens and have confused ideas about how it should work constructively to resolve. Conflict-free relations between people are quite rare. The conflict arises, though, because people — are different, think differently, have different needs and want something that does not agree well among themselves.
Again, the conflict — it is a reality in any relationship. By the way, relationship without ostensible conflict may be less healthy than those in which conflict often arises. (Example: in the marriage relationship where the wife always obeys the dominant husband: relationships parent—the child, where the child is so afraid of its parent that dares to contradict him in anything).
The conflict in the family, where he openly expressed and accepted as a natural phenomenon, much healthier for a child than that I think the majority of parents. In such families the child has at least the opportunity to relive the experience of the conflict, learn how to handle him, to be better prepared for future encounters with the conflicts in their lifetime. Constructive solution of conflicts in the family may be more favourable for the child, as is preparation for the meeting with the conflicts outside the home.
The most critical factor in the relationship between parents and children is how conflicts are resolved. Unfortunately, most of the parents tries to resolve them using just two main approaches — using the power and surrendering to the will of the child, both of these methods are ineffective and harmful both for the child and for the relationship itself.
The strictness or leniency
A very common approach of parents to the education of children is in terms of winning and losing. In other words, the position of a parent is that if he is strict and does it, he wins, and if it is soft and yields to the child — loses. For parents the problem of discipline is the dilemma of education in rigor or lenient. As in its approach to the subject they are bound with the alternative either-or, they consider their relationship with children as a struggle for power, the dispute between the two wills.
When between parents and children there is a conflict, most parents try to resolve it in their favor, so that the parent wins and the child loses. Other, somewhat less than the “winners”, constantly lose their children out of fear of conflict or frustrirovannoi (underscore positive) needs of their child. In these families the child usually wins, and the parents lose.
Austerity and suppression of parental authority we have already considered in detail in the article ’s Parents and children. Who is the boss?”. Now let’s examine the situation when the child makes its own rules compliant parents.
The power of the child
Children are very sensitive to where the parents weaknesses and skillfully use them to your advantage. In conflicts, children are able to insist on favorable to them, if you know the parent will can be broken. For example, threatening that will spoil the relationship with the mother, the child forces her to concede. And if in the situation when the parent has used its authority by insisting that the child obedience, he was inattentive to the wishes of the child and the relationship that can be called disrespectful, then the child demonstrates a similar attitude to adult. Now in a power struggle won by the child, but in return he gets startled and a little bit of annoyance parent.
The inefficiency of condescension
What does it mean for children to grow up in a home where they usually win, and the parents lose? These children differ from those who were brought up in conditions when power is entirely in the hands of adults. Children who are allowed to insist on his own to the end, will not be as rebellious, hostile, dependent, aggressive, submissive, conformal, retreating, etc. They don’t need to develop the character traits to cope with the power of parents. These children learn differently, how to make a flash of irritation in order to control parents. How to make parents feel guilty; as to say an unpleasant vashi, nasty parents. Such children often uncontrolled, uncontrollable, impulsive. They have learned that their needs are more important than anyone else’s. They also often lack the internal controls of behaviour, they become self-centered, jealous, and demanding.
These children often do not respect the property and feelings of parents. “I” goes to them first and foremost. They rarely cooperate or help in the house.
These children are often serious difficulties in relationships with peers; there are difficulties in school, dominated by the method of subordination to the will of the elder — teacher.
Perhaps the most serious effect permanent concessions from parents that children develop a deep sense of insecurity that parents love them. This reaction is easy to understand if you imagine how difficult it is for parents to love and accept a child who usually emerges victorious at the expense of parents.
In homes where the use of parental authority, the outrage comes from the child’s parents; in homes where the power is in the hands of a child — from parent to child. The child feels that his parents are often irritated, and angered them. When the child subsequently receives the same messages from their peers or other adults, it is not surprising that he begins to feel that it is not like, — because it frequently really don’t like surrounding.
The combination of authoritarianism with permissiveness
In some families parents share roles, such as the strict dad and forgiving mother. Or with a small child treated leniently, and as it Matures go to sharp restrictions. Be prepared that the children brought up in such a situation, have the chance to meet with serious emotional problems. It may be that the inconsistency will be more harmful than each of the approaches separately.